8:31PM Friday - About two hours ago we arrived home with a very complex mix of emotions. First of all, we both - especially Liza - are thrilled to see our kids again. She's never been apart from them for so long. It is also good to be in our home. Home is healing. Our pets and bed and bathroom and the sublime humidity and oppressive heat of Texas this time of year is familiar and welcoming.
On the other hand, coming home for Liza officially closes the chapter in California without any real resolution, solution or relief in symptoms. We boarded the plane there with great hope. That hope is deferred once again. We haven't lost hope - especially our faith in God and His goodness - but it is crushing to return to Texas in the same condition as she left.
She shared with me several times today through tears that she fears that "this" will be her life now, meaning this pain, this razor's-edge pain management, this unknown, this non-solution. It's heavy. It feels final without being final. She lost something really important and significant over this past month, even if we can't quite put into words what that something is. She will grieve it and we will too.
But Liza is now laying on our couch, chatting and sharing stories with our kids in our home. That is something. For now, despite the lingering heaviness, we will work hard to focus on that blessing.